Scouting Report: Norwich City

"We are not a Noddy club!"

The Manager

When the Great Scandal breaks and all Premier League Managers are sent to prison, it is little Chrissy Hughton that will suffer most. One fears for him. Some managers like Martin Jol and Sam Allardyce will make the transition with little difficulty. Chrissy Hughton will be forced into a life of servitude and sexual abuse.

When Davey Moyes needs his socks darned it is Little Chrissy Hughton that he will call upon. When Malky "Mister" Mackay grows lonely on a cold winter's night it is Little Chrissy Hughton that the prison guards will find battered, bloodied and bent over a washing machine in the prison laundry. When Brendan Rogers wants a date for the Dartmoor Summer Ball it will be Little Chrissy Hughton dressed up in evening gown and suspenders.

One can only hope that the Guvnor will put Chrissy Hughton into solitary for his own protection. Even then he will be viciously traumatised and unable to control his basic bodily functions. He certainly won't be having any clean sheets, but then he's used to that.

One to watch

A wolf's penis has a large knot in it. During ejaculation the knot keeps the penis inside Mrs.Wolf, or the secretary wolf at work, or next-door's cat or whoever the wolf happens to be knobbing. This ensures that the wolf ejaculates as much as possible inside his victim and so it doesn't get all over the bed sheets or whatever.

The other interesting thing about a wolf's penis is that it has an actual bone in it. Darwin designed it this way so that wolf would not have difficulty getting hard if his bird was a dog, so to speak.

Top Wag

Delia prepares a Christmas Spit-Roast

Norwich City Christmas Party, 2012

The great hall was apparently deserted. Plated meals sat half-eaten on gilded tables, chairs were thrown back and overturned. Abandoned cutlery glistened beneath flickering disco lights. Under tables and behind curtains, the players of Norwich City Football Club cowered and hid.

The doors were thrown back and Delia Smith stumbled drunkenly into the hall. "Where are you?" she slurred, stalking between the tables. She slid a hand down into her ample nylons and fingered her pussy. "Let's be having you!". Little Jonny Howson, curled in the frame of a bass drum, trembled and crossed himself.

Delia stumbled into the gent's toilets and began rattling cubicle doors. "Where are you?" she growled huskily. The last door she met with the heft of her ample frame, the lock snapped and it flung back. Delia glowered down on a youth team player as he sat perched on the toilet seat, clutching his ankles and with widened eyes like a startled gazelle. "Let's be having you," growled Delia, hitching up her skirts.

Famous Fans

Stephen Fry is most famous for inventing twitter, he did this because no-one needs more than 140 characters to call him a smug cunt.

I read a book of his once, I don't remember what it was called but it was about a teenage boy who fucked a horse. It might of been his autobiography or something. The most disturbing thing was not that a teenage boy fucked a horse but that Fry's description of the event gave me a boner. I like to think that this is because of the high quality of his prose, and not due to any previously unsuspected preference of my own for bumming ponies.

Other famous fans include Jake Humphries, Hugh Jackman and Sir David Frost. Norwich probably also have some straight fans but my researches didn't extend that far.

Fun Facts

"The Canaries" is the softest of all Premier League nick-names, with the possible exception of "Cottagers".

When the great floods come, Norwich will be the first to go. One more reason to keep buying 60w light bulbs.

Things people say about Norwich

"Living in Norwich is not just a way of life. Norwich is an attitude."   - Alan Partridge