Scouting Report: Sunderland AFC

"Is clearly eagle! Why people say cock?"

The Manager

In Italy 1966, amongst the ruins of the colosseum, a virgin was raped by three ancient demons. 666 moons passed and a son was born, torn from the womb by the tusks of a feral pig. It was said that this child would unite fascism, and sell James McClean.

45 years later Paolo Di Canio strode into the Sunderland changing rooms. "Remove your underpants," he said curtly to the assembled first team squad. The manager went player to player, sank to his knees and narrowly scrutinized their genitalia. Some he passed without comment, others he licked his fingers and drew a large yellow star above their groin.

Danny Graham, Matt Kilgallon, Abe Goldstein; these players were proud to be recognised as "Stars". However a few months later they were loaded onto trains and deported from the Stadium of Light, never to be seen again. It's a bit of a mystery.

The Tactics

Di Canio has been talking about getting his team to "play out from the back" this season. It's not clear whether he is serious or just trolling Phil Bardsley, but in either case it should be hilarious to watch. Other tactics to be considered are making Adam Johnson use his right foot and handing John O'Shea Sudoku puzzles.

One to Watch

Di Canio's Sunderland squad takes shape

Sunderland have a whole squad of new signings, but you never heard of any of them. Players left from last year include the permanently injured Steven Fletcher and the permanently shite Wes Brown. Di Canio spent the whole summer trying to sell Phil Bardsley too, but unfortunately Bardsley is less appealing than jizz flavoured chewing gum, so he's still there.

New signing Jose Altidore is an unusual player, and for that matter an unusual human being, in that his neck is actually wider than his head. You see this sometimes in American Football players, the morbidly obese and penguins, but it's a first for the Premier League.

Top Wag

"The bridge to pussy is paved with football contracts"

Phil Bardsley makes out that his girlfriend is one-time FHM model, Tanya Robinson. So far, so plausible. There is no reason why he shouldn't be dating FHM models, no matter how much he personally resembles a ballsack. However a casual perusal of the internet reveals something quite remarkable about Tanya Robinson: She doesn't even exist. Every photo you can find of her shows not a human being but a heavily airbrushed, painted facsimile. Tanya Robinson's photos are not taken, they're drawn, jizzed over, wiped clean and then drawn again.

Quite why Bardsley finds it necessary to invent imaginary girlfriends is difficult to say. Changing the subject entirely, here is a picture of Bardsley writhing erotically while men bathe him in fiddys.

In Conclusion

In the north-east, football clubs have long since given up on actually winning trophies and now just compete to see who is the Most Mental. It's a hotly contested title. No sooner had Sunderland appointed Di Canio than Newcastle dragged Joe Kinnear back into St. James's Park and made him a fucking Director. It's like a sick game of managerial top trumps. Watch out for Di Canio's increasingly extreme measures to out-do Uncle Joe. Maybe he'll grow a comical moustache and tell people he's "Charlie Chaplin". Either that or invade Poland.

Things people say about SAFC

"John O'Shea met his bird on the rebound, so they called their son Rick."   - Arsene Wenger

"Concentration, concentration, concentration. That is what I demand of my players. If they do not concentrate, I send them to Concentration Camp."   - Paolo Di Canio