The Holmesdale Ultras
"Much like the team, we'll be whipping boys"
There are many reasons fans suffer through the trouble and inconvenience of attending football matches. A lot of them are just happy to have somewhere to go where the wife is unwilling to follow, as even the most clingy spouse draws the line at sitting outdoors on a plastic seat for 90 minutes watching sports. Some fans are there to chuck warm, flat lager down their neck and to burn their lips on the inner core of a super-heated pie. One or two people probably even watch the match.
Then there is another breed of fan, who just want someone to notice them. They will do almost anything for attention, up to and not excluding wearing comedy wigs and exposing their fat moobs to the ridicule of the world. If that doesn't work, if everyone is watching the football and paying them no attention, if they get really desperate, they join the Holmesdale Ultras. It's the gay-pride of football fandom.
The assorted members of the Holmesdale Ultras are of course, compensating for the injuries of childhood. They were not popular at High School, they were never invited to parties. If a virgin needed deflowering they were never allowed to come watch. There are kids like that at every school, I don't remember their names, I don't suppose anyone does, but I'm pretty sure they were there.
Then the school days are over and these youths are released into society, armed with a D grade in geography and no useful acquaintance. They punctuate their meagre lives by attending football matches, scrimping together the remnants of their weekly benefits to purchase a fortnightly ticket. In the stands they gravitate towards a group of older, vocal males, attracted by the glamour of yellow teeth and anti-social behaviour. They don't know it yet, but they have met their future selves.
Tactics
CPFC has always been synonymous with live sex shows. The club was originally founded by patrons of a brothel named Crystal's Palace, famed for having the only whores in South London with all their own teeth, and a very relaxed attitude to anal hygiene.
Things have moved on since those halcyon days, and the current whores of Selhurst Park provide a more sedate and superficially PG-rated live sex show. The only relief on offer these days is a sprint down to the gents toilets to thud one out in a locked cubical before kick-off. Consequently the toilet queues at Selhurst Park are by far the longest in the country, and visiting fans requiring an innocent number 2 are advised to wait till they get home, or at the very least avoid physical contact with the door handle.
Providing fans with masturbatory materials is not the primary function of the Crystals however. Every week before kick off they accidentally enter the wrong changing rooms and proceed to finger each other in front of the visiting squad. This apparently innocent mistake is actually a devious tactic on behalf of the club management, who have calculated that playing effective attacking football is 64% more difficult when you have boner.
The Squad
Bronia Gosling
"Hi Bro"
Squad No.: 32APosition: Doggy.
Summary: Good honest pro, big in the tackle. She's got real balls.
Grace Marguet
Position: Reverse cowgirl
Summary: Good player, but frustrating. Doesn't go down easy.
Amie Latter
Squad No.: 34D
Position: Windmill
Summary: Very impressive up front.
Exclusive Twitter Interview with Star Player, Amie Latter
@AmieElle Hi Amie! I'm doing match preview for Southampton FC. Do you mind answering some questions pls?
@BrianEarsy Hi Brian. Yeah I'm a genuine Palace fan and excited for the match. What do you want to know?
@AmieElle Thanks! Which of the Crystals is most big-boobs?
No response at time of print.
Things people say about Crystal Palace
Neil Hawkins - Crystals #1 Fan
Every time the Crystals update their Facebook page, Neil Hawkins posts a comment within 5 minutes. I love Neil Hawkins! All his messages are slightly creepy and littered with typos, like he's tapping them out one handed. Here is a sample of his genuine comments:
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