Scouting Report: Arsenal

The Manager

Arsene Wenger came to English football with a vision: To develop young players through an academy system and into the Arsenal first team. 17 years later and this policy has been a resounding success. The Arsenal first-team is rammed with academy products like Theo Walcott, Alex Oxlaide-Chamberlain and Carl Jenkinson. These young, English players are template for the "Arsene Way" and the Gooner Academies in Southampton and Charlton are now the envy of Europe.

This success looks set to continue. Upcoming players like Luke Shaw and James Ward-Prowse are impressing in the Premier League and for the England U21s, and both players are expected to make the break through into the Arsenal first team before long.

One to Watch

You have to feel sorry for Nicholas Bendtner, he's always getting trolled. Paddy Power sponsoring his underpants, the journalists asking him if he's good enough to play for Real Madrid, Arsene Wenger playing him centre forward.

Worst of all is his hairdresser. "Nicholas! Have I got the haircut for you! What we'll do is give you a double side parting and tie a bunch up on top, like a Roman cock helmet."

"Won't I look like 8 year old girl?"

"Nooo Nicholas! You can pull it off! We'll add beard! You'll look like Samurai warrior!"

Top Wag

Thomas Vermaelen is routing this sort, her name is Polly Parsons which proves at least that she was always destined for Nuts magazine. I like her in this photo, lying in her bathroom on the urinal pissmat, quietly contemplating the vacuum of an empty cup, and how it reminds her of a tornado's eye moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo. She finds the saucer quite interesting too. Contrary to building regulations someone has placed an electric lamp on the bathroom floor. One hopes that Polly hasn't left the bath running, a simple overflow could result in fried implants and electrically cauterized vaginal hair. There's no getting that out of a wool carpet.

Poetry Corner

Ozil's Eyes by Brian Earsy

When a baby cries and falls and dies

His mum looks down with

Ozil eyes

When a crack addict begs

And pleads and lies

For one more hit

Please help me guys!

He smokes the rock

And as he dies

Stares at the sky with

Ozil eyes

When a slapper wakes

On bathroom tiles

And in a pool of vomit

Her knickers lie

She can't remember

She knows not why

And looks in the mirror with

Ozil eyes

True Story

I used to date a girl who was a big Gunners fan. She was a very devout Catholic and flatly refused to use contraception of any kind. Consequently I could never talk her into penetrative sex. When her 13th birthday was coming up I tried to cut a deal with her, "Look Megan," I said. "I want to pleasure you for your birthday treat. I'll pay through the nose, money is no object.I just don't want anything to show for it in 9 months."

"That's easy," she said brightly. "Take me up the Arse."