Scouting Report: West Ham United

Four horseman of the apocalypse. Horse not pictured (injured)

The Manager

"Four Four Fooking Two!"

You can understand why the boleyn faithful object to Sam Allardyce managing their team. Everything about him is wrong. He's more whippets than greyhounds. More meat pie than jellied eels. More Jack Duckworth than Pat Butcher. All wrong. If West Ham want a manager to uphold their great traditions of over-spending and getting relegated, then surely, surely Harry Redknapp is the man.

There are clubs where Sam Allardyce would be successful, of course. If the Borg Collective were putting together a football league using a square ball and playing in 0.6G then Sam Allardyce would be ideal. No tiki-taka on the Borg homeworld. The Sam Allardyce Collective would brutally assimilate their way to Champions League glory.

On this world, Sam Allardyce manages West Ham United. It's like paring Heather Mills and Stephen Hawking in a 3-legged race. Neither party is shown off to advantage.

One To Watch

One of the great unexplained mysteries of televised football is why they cut away from a hot streaker citing public decency, but find it acceptable to show a Kevin Nolan goal celebration in full and unflinching detail.

It's a deeply unpleasant sight. Is it a chicken? Is it a duck? Or a grown man who should know better. Makes one reminisce almost fondly of the Robbie Keane roly-poly two pistol salute.

Famous Fans

Alright, Katy Perry isn't a real fan, but she's willing to pretend to be. You get this type of behaviour a lot with girls but I'm not sure it's healthy. Why do we have to like the same stuff? I don't go round pretending to give a fuck about pilates.

Top Wag

Some stories are so appealing that their veracity becomes a mere side issue. Joe Cole doing Keeley Hazell from behind over the washing machine and scarpering out the kitchen window when her old man rocked up, is one such story. I'm very attached to this story, I can totally picture it. The wobble of her boobs, the gurn of his face, the sound of a key in the front door, the couple of slaps from her old man, the "Leave him Frank! He's not worth it!" from treacherous Keeley, the jump out the window and the barefoot sprint to nearby cab office. All of human drama is here.

Unfortunately though, when put to critical examination the holes in this story do begin to appear. Little Joe Cole for example, doing a grown woman from behind. He must of been stood on a stool. I also can't picture him out-pacing a cuckolded paramour over uneven ground, especially with no shoes and a boner.

Still, I am fond of the story. My only regret is that it happened so long ago, I would love to hear the thoughts of official West Ham spokesman, Jack Sullivan on this subject. "My dad is v.angry with JC," he would twitter, "but has offered £50K for the photo rights."

Team News

Andy Carroll has an injured fetlock. He may need to be put down.

Stuart Downing is still shit.

West Ham co-owner, David Sullivan is only 4ft 3" tall.

Things people say about West Ham United

Blowing Bubbles, slang, To make foolish or erroneous statements. To talk shit. I.e. "Yes, we do need a 54,000 seat stadium"   - The Dictionary

"What is the difference between minced fetus and West Ham United FC."   - Arsene Wenger*

* Wenger is a cerebral guy and this is actually quite a clever joke. I mean, not funny, but clever. If you understand Wenger's gag, please mention in the comments section. He would be pleased to know that there is more benefit to be had watching Countdown than the sight of Rachel Riley's arse.