Scouting Report: Fulham FC

Fulham play at Cowardly Sex-Toilet

The Manager

When Martin Jol turned 16 he was visited by his Fairy Godmother. "Martin," she said, "you have been a good boy, I will grant you one wish."

"That's great news! What sort of thing can I get?"

"Anything you like. Whatever your heart desires."

"Can I be a world class football manager?"

"Be reasonable!"

Martin sighed. "Oh well," he said blushingly. "There is one thing... I do wish I could get more head."

The Fairy Godmother was shocked. "How much more?"

"Loads more. I want to get more head than anyone in the whole world."

His wish was granted. I remember in my first Scouting Report describing Steve Clarke's head as mashed potato. Martin Jol is more jacket. A real King Edward. It's a very substantial cranium, a titanic ice-berg, a planetary mass. If I could only see one thing before my death, I would watch Martin Jol trying to put on a jumper. I bet it's hilarious!

Fun Fact:

In his playing career Martin Jol played 400 club games, but only three times for Holland. He would of got more but the cost of providing Jol with caps was making the Dutch FA insolvent.

The Chairman

Shahid Khan took over at Fulham after former chairman Mohamed Al Fayed got killed at the end of Taken.* I know nothing of him beyond his moustache, but frankly that is enough. It's magnificent!

* Movie starring Liam Neeson.

The Squad

St. John's Ambulance watch on nervously as Scott Parker attempts a "Run"

Martin Jol is all about preparation, or in the case of the majority of his first team squad, preparation H. Like clockwork every match-day zimmer frames are greased and polished, false teeth are rinsed in Steradent and players are bussed in from Eastbourne. The new Fulham kit comes with built in corn plasters and long johns. They have names on their shirts in case someone forgets who they are. At half time everyone has Rich Tea biscuits and talks about the war. Often they forget to come out for the second half. They'd sooner have a little nap.

Famous fans

Ten years before his statue, we see the first Michael Jackson erection at Craven Cottage.

17th October 1999, Michael Jackson was invited by his good friend Mohamed Al Fayed to his new Cottagers Club in London. Michael jumped at the opportunity! Especially when Al Fayed advised him that they would certainly score.

The trip proved a bit of a wash. Imagine MJ's disappointment! Dolled out in his best Fedora, with a significant flower in his lapel, he found on arrival not the underage sex dungeon of his imagination, but a mere soccer ball contest attended by toothless pensioners.

Nevertheless the true philosopher will find pleasure where he can, and Michael soon identified kindred spirits among the ball boys and U14s soccer side. He gathered all the lads together in the Craven Cottage shower rooms and offered to sing for them. Unfortunately, the song he chose was hit single "Bad", and the first line of that happens to be, "Your butt is mine." Soon as he uttered this refrain, all the boys scarpered. It was the quickest evacuation since Jason Puncheon vs Everton.*

* Southampton in-joke yo.

Top Wag

Part #57 in our ongoing series of blondie big-boobs willing to do almost anything, or rather anyone, to secure a Wag lifestyle is ginger apologist, Krystell Sidwell.

I kid you not, her genuine name is "Krystell". There are only two occupations available for girls with a name like Krystell; Stripper or ex-Stripper. Krystell Sidwell falls into the latter category. She's now co-owner of Wag's Boutique, and spends her days walking glumly through her stores wistfully thinking of the one fashion accessory she can never upgrade, her buck-toothed, ginger-freak husband.

Next week, Abigail Clancy.