Not gonna make any sheep jokes, they're baaa'd
There are three things I hoped never to see in my lifetime: A positive STD check, Michael Owen doing match commentary and a Welsh club in the Premier League. It seems particularly cruel that in the space of 12 months all three disasters have come to pass.
The Welsh football renaissance is the most galling. The Premier League is positively riddled with taffy, you can hardly watch Match Of The Day without thinking of sheep. Cardiff, Swansea... we even had Reading last season. I would be totally willing to keep the burning sensation in my pee-pee if it meant sending the boyo's back to the Rymans league, or wherever the fuck they ought to be playing.
I really hate Wales, I suppose everyone does. Anyone who had to read Moby Dick at school will certainly have a similar attitude. Also, in the 1980s it came out that Welsh people were having sex with miners. The government tried to shut it down, but all the Welsh people went on strike. What Tony Blair did then, was make them all work for the DVLA so it wouldn't matter if they went on strike. He's clever like that, Tony Blair.
The Manager
Sigh. If I had to turn rainbow laces for any Premier League manager, it would be Brian Laudrup. He's so dreamy. I usually like to write a few paragraphs criticising a rival manager's personality, looks and sexual proclivities but I can't bring myself to do it. The worst thing I can find to say about Brian Laudrup is that he manages Swansea City, and to the world's scrutiny of that he is obviously unconcerned, or he wouldn't have joined the fucking club.
One to watch
Nathan Dyer's tiny feet
Swansea winger Nathan Dyer wields the Premier League's smallest penis. It looks like a black caterpillar. Like the temperature dial on a toy oven. Like a severed pinky. It's such a little winkle that the FA had to verify his chromosomes before he could play in the boy's league.
Dyer's penis, while insufficient to fully satisfy a woman has proven useful in other respects. The Kick It Out campaign, for example, use it to demonstrate the fallacies of racial stereotyping. He also never has difficulty talking girls into anal.
I had sex with a Welsh girl when I was 15. True story. It was part of faustian pact with my mate who was trying to get his end away with her better looking friend. As soon as I spurt I looked at my mate and he looked at me; "RUN!" I shouted, and we pegged it. I never saw her again, but I sometimes wonder if there is a little Brian Earsy running around the valleys, bothering sheep.
The better looking mate was like a young Catherine Zeta-Jones. No jokes. I was thinking of her when I was pounding away on my victim. What I took from this is that even the best looking Welsh birds are fair game to depraved and unsuitable individuals. Michael Douglas knows this. When he looked down on his grey and wrinkled wiener, he thought to himself, "Where will I ever find someone to suck you again, my little friend. You look like a tortoise head."
In Wales, Michael, said his wiener. Take me to Wales.
Even excluding farmstock, Swansea has the highest incidence of STD per capita in Europe.
Swans don't have a vagina, they have sex exclusively in the bum. Ditto Swans fans.
Famous Fans
The better looking mate was like a young Catherine Zeta-Jones. No jokes. I was thinking of her when I was pounding away on my victim. What I took from this is that even the best looking Welsh birds are fair game to depraved and unsuitable individuals. Michael Douglas knows this. When he looked down on his grey and wrinkled wiener, he thought to himself, "Where will I ever find someone to suck you again, my little friend. You look like a tortoise head."
In Wales, Michael, said his wiener. Take me to Wales.
Fun Facts
Even excluding farmstock, Swansea has the highest incidence of STD per capita in Europe.
Swans don't have a vagina, they have sex exclusively in the bum. Ditto Swans fans.
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